BRAINVOMIT

Hey Ben,

i dont know if you could be reading this right now, since you probably dont do tumblr anymore, but part of me really hopes you are. since you refuse to talk to me, or even look at me. i couldnt help but notice this morning that you turned yourself away from me in your chair, even your breathing seemed to be cauctious around me. its not as if im going to bite you. youre the one who wrote those vicious words, when all i was saying is that im worried about you.

by the by, i thought i would just let you know that you made me cry—in that horrible red-eyed, snot and tears mixing way. i had to excuse myself from class on the morning you gave me that letter. but it wasnt about the things you said, although i can tell you tried to hurt me.

i have accepted myself, and while i may be a ‘creepy bitch with no self esteem or friends’: i am only creepy in my sense of humor, only a bitch because i fight for the people closest to me like a rabid mother bear—but as for the self esteem, that where you are wrong. i am happy with who i am, i know where i am going in life and i have a wonderfull boy to love—not to mention (now, one) amazing best friend. there is no reason to be unhappy with myself or where i am; because i know i am a beautiful person thats going places. as for ‘no friends’; i do not need heaps of superficial friends (as it seems you must) beacause i have one very best friend that would do anything for me, and in my opinion, that is the best type of friend to have. but anyway, i digress.

i did not cry beacause of what you put into that letter, but because i remembered all the fun things and times we have had together. considering i made it clear that i have only been concerned and worried about you, you have truely broken my heart since (in spite of what you said) you have been a good friend to me. i thought i have been to you, as well…

who else would have done the things i did for you?

who else would have graffiti-ed a boy’s entire neighborhood with phrases such as ‘pick’ ‘dick’ and ‘call her!’? who else would have gone to the gynecologist with you, after you told me you thought you had aids? who else would have stood up against another girl for the sake of your feelings? who else’s house would you have run away to when you couldnt stand your mother anymore?

this feels more like a breakup than the loss of a friendship, but oh what good friends you have lost. dont think you can get us back so easily, either.

PS. i am keeping your parking permit, sweater, and flash drive. good luck.